You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude i'm inner monologue high
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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