Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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