she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
