grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
