I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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