When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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