i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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