the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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