hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so that wasnt chicken after all
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
