so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
