I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
