I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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