I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
