I'm eating all of the evidence.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
