I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
