I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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