i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
