I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
