I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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