I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
