so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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