Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
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I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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