You just made me feel so damn special
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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