I think I am morally bankrupt
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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