After last night, I could never be a politician.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
