Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
