two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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