when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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