Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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