I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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