from now on my penis is your penis
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
