sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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