I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
