I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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