I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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