This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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