She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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