Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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