I just threw up on my dentist
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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