The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
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its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I party with great urgency now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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