If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
