Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
