he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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