You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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