I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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