Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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