Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
