she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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