I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
