I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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