You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
