I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
