There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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