Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
