Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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