Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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