Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
