his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
