I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
