Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
